Probably for longer than he anticipated.
But he kindly obliged, and I kindly took advantage of the relief.
A few years ago I decided I was going to do better at life, and make better choices.
Along with be more positive about the cloud over my head that consisted of not understanding one thing about my daughters disabilities.
I was going to do better, and be better.
So what did I turn to, the old "crutch", religion. Or so as I thought.
What a hypocrite I became.
"Put yourself in my shoes, then judge me people!"
I began to study religion, dabbled in a few churches, and to my best judgment found nothing that I didn't already know.
Well, so I thought.
Now, more than ever, I am challenged to whether there is or isn't a God. What religion is correct? Will I ever be forgiven? At what point will I know?
I pray, I believe (I think), I know right from wrong (I think), but now more than ever I need him. Even if I get the old 86 and sent straight to hell, my Adelia needs him.
So what if he isn't there.?
Wouldn't it be shitty if he was there and this whole time I chose to ignore him? I cant afford that.
Low and behold, today of all days, I see a post based on religion. Yes!!!!! an opportunity to discuss, and win points, in hopes to forgive me for everything.
The post was on how people will say what they have learned at church was "deep".
In a spiritual and self reflecting manner. Not like the bottom of the ocean.
He was suggesting otherwise. Basically, they haven't learned anything, just the mom and pop version of a sing song.
So of course, because I found it to be so typical of a person in religion to dictate the "Do's and Don'ts". I commented that "How people come to Jesus, is their own choice, and we should be happy for them."
So of course with my new found, hypocritical religion I felt better. We started commenting back and forth over this situation. As usual someone took it as a personal offense. So we decided to take this conversation to the next level, and off line.
One of the best things I did all day.
After about five minutes of discussing the religion topic, I slowly realized I am one of those people he is talking about.
He kindly went all the way back to when circles weren't even in existence much less myself. Explaining to me concepts, theories, and cross referencing the Mary's, Pauls', and all "J" names.
Immediately I am enthralled.
Debate is one of a Meads best attribute, accepting defeat not one. But sometimes you cant help but accept the information.
Besides I have a soul to save here! I need to be forgiven for my daughters sake! She needs me! ( Shit! I just sinned, totally a lie)
I need her!
He explained to me that people hear something and think it is deep, when they have only scratched the surface of what was intended for us. That we don't think, and instead take everything at face value rather than truly understanding it.
He spoke about this with such knowledge, and grace I was amazed at how humble he was.
I was like a moth to flame, at this point.
"Tell me more, I need it"
Finally we get to the good stuff. Forgiveness for our sins, Gods intended plan, and yada yada.
He firmly states, "you've already been forgiven".
I think to myself, "What the fuck are saying here?"
No, I've done a few things knowing they were bad, for Pete's' sake I am an unwed mother of three, cats outta the bag here! Sinner!
I have a lot of donating to do!
Then he explains, God wants us to love him. He wants us to forgive, show compassion, and use his word to guide us back to him. He sent his son here to wash away our sins and you were already forgiven many years ago.
What the hell?! All this time I have been "eating" away at myself to be a better person and here it is, I am already forgiven?
"Yes" he replies.
"That doesn't mean abuse the forgiveness, it means know you have been forgiven."( I'll leave that for you to think about).
So this whole time I thought I needed a snake chant, give away everything I have, stay positive and never fart in church.
Again I am not taking in what he is saying.
Apparently those things make you aligned with how God wants us to be, not who we are.
Then it hits me. Nothing I do, nothing I say is going to change this for Adelia.
Make it easier.
LIGHT BULB!!, bible in hand ( for reference purposes throughout our conversation) I'm happy.
What I was understanding, is that none of what she is going through is because I was a bad person. My sinner life, my terrible choices. The times I turned from him, and wished I never even knew his name.
None of it, has anything to do with her.
He knew my choices before I made them.
He knew I was strong.
He knew shed be weak.
God counted on it, and he knew Id one day have this conversation, on this day, at this time in my life. With this wonderful person.
To help keep me strong.
Religion may be a crutch to you, but it is now more than ever motivation to me.
At the very end of the conversation he tells me, "God has already forgave you, its you who needs to learn to forgive"
I think Ill make her appointments today.
I'll make them for in a month or two.
But I'll make them.
Thank you Chris.