<![CDATA[SheChoseUs - Blog]]>Mon, 29 Feb 2016 07:50:09 -0800Weebly<![CDATA[50 Shades of Being a Mother]]>Wed, 24 Feb 2016 02:55:46 GMThttp://shechoseus.weebly.com/blog/50-shades-of-being-a-mother
Finding yourself running to save your child that is screaming,  so loud their arms must be caught in a meat grinder.

It feels like it takes an hour to run five steps, heart beating in your head, holding your breath because
you are too afraid to look but you have too.
 
Finally, you muster up the words, what happened?

Just to hear, my socks are too small.

This is a combo of scared shitless and I'm going to murder you. LIGHT GREY

 Every morning I know that my children are going to do something impressive. 

One will be a lawyer.

The other will be a doctor.

My son a football player.

Except my lawyer child just asked me how a fax makes it through the wire without a wrinkle in the paper.

My doctor child, literally stopped mid step with a pale face, and asked me to check her pants for her.  In a state of confusion I asked why? She thought she may have pushed a little much on that last fart.

My football player is busy inspecting dog poop in the yard, and eating out of the trash can. Now that I have thought about it, he is still on the right path.

But they're happy.

Im now humble. GREY




Having to wake up at five am because it takes them a few fits, bathroom breaks, and Gabriel's horn to get their asses out of bed.

As I stand exhausted at the coffee pot wishing it would hurry up.

Then I go try again, just for them to hit the snooze button that I must have on my forehead.

Tired. Darker Grey
Placing my son in his highchair and giving him some food.  Just to enterain him while I do dishes.

Then I turn around and he is standing on the tray.

Holy HELL!!

I don't want to move too fast, he may get scared and topple.

I don't want to yell, he may try to bail.

So I smile, and start doing that annoying mommy talk, and grab him!

Then start telling him NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!! and now he's confused and I am sweating like I was on the bomb squad.

Stress of a negotiator. Dark Dark Grey
Hearing "Mom!", in tears as the door opens just in time for my teen to walk through the door from school.

And as I am instantly mad and ready to kick someones ass for messing with my kid

I come barreling out of the kitchen to say "What?", as if I have been locked up most of my life and ready to shank whoever it is.

Just to find out the girl at school had the same shoes as her, and she needed a tampon. 

Thug life: Dark Dark Dark Grey
Finally everyone is fed and home, safe and sound,  I am feeling a little relief that if they get hurt now,  it is their own fault. 

As I finish the dishes, I think "I deserve a bath after my emotional chaos of a day".

So I quietly tuck all kids in their comfy beds.

Then slowly slip off all my clothes.

Let the bath tub water steam up the bathroom, just hot enough to almost be uncomfortable.  

And as I slowly slide down into the tub I exhale, knowing that every part of me hurts and I didn't realize till now.

I hear the bathroom door slowly creep open.

Shhhhh! I tell myself.

Don't move a muscle.

Maybe they will think you're not in here.  

Holding my breathe, not making a ripple, sweat streaming down my face.

Is it from the heat of the water? or the thought of one of those little shits needing the last piece of energy I have for the day.

You peak around the corner, and see nothing, thinking "shewww they found their dad and he is handling it"

I wiggle back into full on rest mode

Then it hit me like a frying pan that has been on simmer with the dead carcasses of 20 monkeys flinging their own dung.  

​I sit up fast and smell my armpits knowing this could not possibly be you.  

Then lean over and smell my lap praying it is not that.

It isn't THANK GOD.  

I  pull back the curtain.

No longer caring if they know my whereabouts.

Obviously their is murderer on the loose, who is stuffing bodies with manure and burying it under my home.

There he is, in all his glory.

Sitting on his mighty white throne.

My husband.

Smug with what his body has released and blessed the world with. 

Then with my last breath,  I try to drown myself in 10 inches of water, but there is no cure. 

Honey Moon Over: Black






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<![CDATA[So I'm Not Going To Hell?]]>Tue, 08 Apr 2014 23:28:38 GMThttp://shechoseus.weebly.com/blog/so-im-not-going-to-hellToday I found a sense of relief.  A conversation I never thought I'd have, with a person I never expected.

Probably for longer than he anticipated.

But he kindly obliged, and I kindly took advantage of the relief.

A few years ago I decided I was going to do better at life, and make better choices.

Along with be more positive about the cloud over my head that consisted of not understanding one thing about my daughters disabilities.

I was going to do better, and be better.

So what did I turn to, the old "crutch",  religion. Or so as I thought.

What a hypocrite I became.

"Put yourself in my shoes, then judge me people!" 

I began to study religion, dabbled in a few churches, and to my best judgment found nothing that I didn't already know.

Well, so I thought.

Now, more than ever, I am challenged to whether there is or isn't a God. What religion is correct? Will I ever be forgiven? At what point will I know?

I pray, I believe (I think), I know right from wrong (I think), but now more than ever I need him.  Even if I get the old 86  and sent straight to hell, my Adelia needs him.

So what if he isn't there.?

Wouldn't it be shitty if he was there and this whole time I chose to ignore him?  I cant afford that.

Low and behold, today of all days, I see a post based on religion.  Yes!!!!! an opportunity to discuss, and win points, in hopes to forgive me for everything.

The post was on how people will say what they have learned at church was "deep".

In a spiritual and self reflecting manner.  Not like the bottom of the ocean. 

He was suggesting otherwise.  Basically, they haven't learned anything, just the mom and pop version of a sing song.

So of course, because I found it to be so typical of a person in religion to dictate the "Do's and Don'ts".  I commented that "How people come to Jesus, is their own choice, and we should be happy for them."

So of course with my new found, hypocritical religion I felt better.  We started commenting back and forth over this situation.  As usual someone took it as a personal offense.  So we decided to take this conversation to the next level, and off line.

One of the best things I did all day.

After about five minutes of discussing the religion topic, I slowly realized I am one of those people he is talking about.  

He kindly went all the way back to when circles weren't even in existence much less myself.  Explaining to me concepts, theories, and cross referencing the Mary's, Pauls', and all "J" names.

Immediately I am enthralled.

Debate is one of a Meads best attribute, accepting defeat not one.  But sometimes you cant help but accept the information.

Besides I have a soul to save here!  I need to be forgiven for my daughters sake!  She needs me! ( Shit! I just sinned, totally a lie) 

I need her!

He explained to me that people hear something and think it is deep, when they have only scratched the surface of what was intended for us.  That we don't think, and instead take everything at face value rather than truly understanding it.

He  spoke about this with such knowledge, and grace I was amazed at how humble he was. 

I was like a moth to flame, at this point.

"Tell me more, I need it"

Finally we get to the good stuff.  Forgiveness for our sins, Gods intended plan, and yada yada.

He firmly states, "you've already been forgiven".

I think to myself, "What the fuck are saying here?"

No,  I've done a few things knowing they were bad, for Pete's' sake I am an unwed mother of three, cats outta the bag here! Sinner! 

I have a lot of donating to do!

Then he explains, God wants us to love him.  He wants us to forgive, show compassion, and use his word to guide us back to him.  He sent his son here to wash away our sins and  you were already forgiven many years ago.

What the hell?! All this time I have been "eating" away at myself to be a better person and here it is, I am already forgiven?

"Yes" he replies.

"That doesn't mean abuse the forgiveness, it means know you have been forgiven."( I'll leave that for you to think about).

So this whole time I thought I needed a snake chant, give away everything I have, stay positive and never fart in church.

Again I am not taking in what he is saying.

Apparently those things make you aligned with how God wants us to be, not who we are.

Then it hits me.  Nothing I do, nothing I say is going to change this for Adelia.

Make it easier.

LIGHT BULB!!, bible in hand ( for reference purposes throughout our conversation) I'm happy.

What I was understanding, is that none of what she is going through is because I was a bad person.  My sinner life, my terrible choices.  The times I turned from him, and wished I never even knew his name.

None of it, has anything to do with her.

He knew my choices before I made them.
 
He knew I was strong.  

He knew shed be weak.

God counted on it, and he knew Id one day have this conversation, on this day, at this time in my life.  With this wonderful person.  

To help keep me strong.

Religion may be a crutch to you, but it is now more than ever motivation to me.  

At the very end of the conversation he tells me, "God has already forgave you, its you who needs to learn to forgive"

I think Ill make her appointments today. 

I'll make them for in a month or two.

But I'll make them.

Thank you Chris.






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<![CDATA[I'm Too Busy Anyways]]>Mon, 07 Apr 2014 23:02:40 GMThttp://shechoseus.weebly.com/blog/im-too-busy-anyways
After two months of waiting Adela’s' appointment approvals came in. 

I have yet to call and schedule them.

Six new poking, prodding, sleeping and waking appointments.

We waited so long for them. 
 
Still not calling.

These next appointments should give us a glimpse at something, or
should I say anything that would tell us what is happening with my precious
baby.

Still not calling.

I find myself avoiding the phone, and pretending to have
forgotten.  I have laundry, the kids, school, cleaning, a husband, dog dookie duty, and
sleep.

Too busy to call.

Today I sat down and noticed her appointment scheduler has called
yet again.  I have yet to call her back. A million things run through my mind as her
mother.

What if they tell me she won’t get better?

That in a year she will not be mobile?

What if it hurts her and I can’t take it?

What if she doesn't wake up these next three MRI appointments
from the anesthesia?

What if I make her go through the shocking of all muscles, just
to be told they don't know again?

Then to calm myself I remember my job as her mother, and I should
be hopeful.

Maybe this time it will be a "piece of cake"!

It will be over with and they will tell us nothing will get worse.

Maybe one quick shot will stop it from spreading.

To be honest I just don't want to remind myself that she will
never experience a long walk on the
beach.

Wining her first Olympic medal, or at least the fun in acting
like she might.

Or that I will one day have to let her go, and worry that she
might hurt herself on her own.

Fall down the stairs, because I am not with her.

Someone hurting her because she is an easy target.

Never being able to chase her child down the halls.

I think I’ll call tomorrow.

I'm going to enjoy a few more days.

Besides, I'm too busy anyways.









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<![CDATA[Take a Seat Moms and be Quiet]]>Thu, 13 Mar 2014 16:08:34 GMThttp://shechoseus.weebly.com/blog/take-a-seat-moms-and-be-quiet
Parents, we suck.  Our children are ungrateful, entitled, and under achievers.

Moms, I've noticed we are a huge reason for this issue.

I read a blog today that really drove it home. It was about a mother who was really mad that someone  complained about their child not being able to have birthday parties at school. 

Obviously, because other children have food allergies.

Totally what you thought too right?

She was upset that another mother would  think that it was the school's obligation to allow her to have a birthday celebration at school. Such as cupcakes, goody bags, and all that jazz.

You know, the same thing they did when I was in school.

Not thinking that expected the same respect from the school because her child has food allergies.

So, in her rant she expressed if you have a problem with it, don't invite the kids with special food needs. 

Totally the stupidest, ignorant thoughts from two mothers trying to protect their child's rights - that aren't even rights.

All I read was my kid is a brat and more important than yours.  I'll prove it by being a complete dumb-ass and separate the two types of children.
What happened to teaching our children what they can and can't do?

Or, teaching them self discipline?

How about showing them there are some things in life they can or can't do because it isn't good for them?

Most important, everyone is different and in order to be a decent person we need to acknowledge differences?

 And we wonder why society is such a selfish and hateful place.

Adelia is different on multiple levels. We try hard to let her attend and be around others that can do things that she can not.

It's good for her. When she becomes an adult the world will not stop.

We go to birthday parties with jumpers knowing she will not be able to get in, unless all the kids take turns, or get out.

Do we expect this? NO.

Does she? YES, she is six. 

So in order to help we encourage her to ask.  Then we deal with the response accordingly.
 
It may require comforting, waiting, or smiling depending on the response from the other children.

Either way, its not the end of the world.

Suck it up kid. This will be the least disappointing thing in life.

A food allergy can definitely be a life ending situation.  So, as a parent you take your happy ass to the party to monitor.

Or, tell your child they can not participate in certain things, unless they can figure it out on their own.

What's wrong with letting the birthday child's parent know he/she can not have this?  Maybe they'd do party bags without food. 

Maybe, just maybe, they might happily meet the needs of everyone.

It sounds like it is the parents having trouble not the children.

It will not be in your favor to let them think everything needs to change because they have a special need.

Their needs are not more important than the next person.


Teaching them to separate themselves from everyone is also a bad choice on the parents part.
 
These kids will one day need to function on their own. They will need friends, and self awareness to survive. 

So take a seat, and let them figure shit out!

Not every situation revolves around your child's wants.  YES A BIRTHDAY SITUATION IS A WANT!

So, moms, sometimes you're just going to have to take a seat and be quiet.

Or, you end up looking the child throwing a big fat fit for no big, fat fucking reason.

Keep it up, and your child will be 30:

Still in your house.

No job.

Expecting you to still making excuses for them.
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<![CDATA[You're an Idiot]]>Mon, 10 Mar 2014 13:56:28 GMThttp://shechoseus.weebly.com/blog/youre-an-idiot
As an adult I see things that irritate me to the point of no return. 

They probably shouldn't,  and I am sure I do things that people can not stand.

They just doesn't bother me.

My list of things that make me think IDIOT:
 
Parents telling other parents how to discipline children, while their kid is shitting in the front yard screaming bring me a drink.  REALLY?  I think ill pass on your knowledge.

Adults who still blame their parents for everything, and expect too much out of it.  COME ON!! They are almost 6ft under and your almost retired.  GET THE FUCK OVER IT.  YOU SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT, who should have been abused as a child.

Women inhaling a cheeseburger and fries,  and while speaking with their mouth full, you make out the words, "I wish I could fit into that".  All I can think is no you wish you could lose weight without doing anything, but you really like those pants.

Diets.  Unless it is for health reasons, I hate someone counting my carbs.  I love Carbs! Fried Potatoes and Spaghetti has to be the best combination EVER!

Cleaning.  I dread this, I also dread people coming over and not cleaning.  I'm going to make a door mat that says.  He that enters will clean shit up as he exits.

People who purposely ignore someone, just to do it.  Its rude, immature and makes me want to head but you.

Perfection.  Totally over rated.

The NO people.  They wait around all day just to say no.  Even if it something is in their favor.  They don't even breathe before saying NO.  You want 1,000 dollars? NO...

Closet perverts.  You know the people who refuse to talk about anything sexual, look like they would be a dead lay.  But their phone is filled with porn. Seriously you're creepy.

Selfish.  I can  not stand selfish people. Probably my most hated.  You know who you are. Grow up.

Tiny balls of fat in my hamburger.  Ruins the entire meal.

Cell phones.  They have officially taken over and replaced people.  Refer back to closet pervert.

Taxes.  IRS you know how much we made, send us our fucking checks already.  I don't want to fill out a fucking form, with information that you already have. 

Cough syrup.  Its 2014 you mean to tell me we can clone a fucking cow, but you cant make cough syrup taste any better than a cherry soaked in diesel? 

Nick Jr.  You're ruining shit.

Parents who's reason for hating Miley Cyrus is because she is a role model and your daughter loves her.  Ok well she isn't a baby sitter.  Hug your kid more. You should dislike her because its creepy having her run around naked and you remember her as a little girl on TV.  Not because you plant your kid in front of the TV..FIND a different show.  Like Walking Dead, totally educational.

Eye boogers.  Self explanatory

Politics. I don't know why everyone argues over who is right?  Most of it is bullshit and lies so what difference does it make?  I vote that no one votes anymore!

Last but not least.  People who only do things nice for the praise.  Or how it looks on Face book.  and in real life their just ass holes.  Again you know who you are.  Which is why Face book, and technology are so important.  Because you get to be something you're not. 

You're JUST AN IDIOT!
















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<![CDATA[Princess Cup Cake]]>Sat, 08 Mar 2014 21:18:16 GMThttp://shechoseus.weebly.com/blog/princess-cup-cake
As we sit here in our new home. With our new jobs, and wonderful outlook on the future, there is always this empty spot.  At the table, in the car, family photos, and gatherings.  All though we know what is missing we try everyday to not be torn by her absence. 

Adelia's oldest sister Deja, now 14, has been with her mother in New York for almost 2 years.  We haven't seen her since. 

As a family we are heart broken by this, which was the intention.  So I guess it worked. Were totally ok with this, not for the sake of the battle, but for the sanity of the young lady who needs to know she is missed.

Everything about Deja makes me smile.  Her beauty, kind heart, and her strength.  Her parents are truly lucky.  During the chaos she could have done her own damage.  Yet she chose the higher path. All I can think is rock on with your bad self baby girl.

Every night at dinner we ask the kids, how was your day.  Every night I wish we could ask her.  Even though she is a teen and I know the answer will be vague, just being able to ask would be comforting.

I myself am her step mother, so of course I am very low on the ladder of people who get phone calls.  Which saddens me greatly. 

I miss her.

My kids miss her.

My husband misses her.

I know what it is like to be in separate homes in different states. So the knowledge I have of coping would be unwanted, but I think appreciated in hind site. Besides the fact I would love to be able to say hello, and hear about her day.

Or the chance to say, I know you've been pulled apart, and it seems like no one is listening to what you are wanting.  And you'd like to tell everyone, shut the fuck up!!. 

Maybe that your heart hurts because you feel obligated to choose or hate with the same passion as everyone you love does. 

Not that it would completely change, or fix everything, but just to know she isn't the first, and unfortunately not the last.

If I could say anything to her it would be no matter what define yourself.

Choose your own path.

Never let hate drive you.

Love with everything you can, and the consequences may hurt. But its worth it.

You can chose your own outcome.

You're beautiful.

What's happening now will be a mere spec in your life, ten years from now.

Its ok to make mistakes, its what you do with the mistakes that will make you better.

Most importantly, my own heart hurts, and I miss you.

I love you Princess Cup Cake.






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<![CDATA[He is Dad]]>Wed, 05 Mar 2014 17:38:57 GMThttp://shechoseus.weebly.com/blog/he-is-dad
I can remember going to the grocery store in Culver City, and receiving a call from Che.  I was informed that Adelia asked him if she could call him dad, and with tears in his eyes the answer was yes. Basically the call was to let me know tuff shit if you have a problem with it.

Adelia and Che's relationship has never revolved around myself.  I may have introduced them, but they took it to the next level without my input or assistance.

Che is not Adelia's biological father, but he is her dad without question.

I will never, nor do I want to, be able to replace him. 

When she is sick, he is who she wants there.

If she is in the hospital, she asks for her dad, not me.

She broke her finger, and immediately asked to call her dad.

As far as she is concerned, I am chopped liver and he is prime rib.

Well deserved on his part if you ask me.  Che in almost five years has missed a whopping two appointments, attended every school meeting on her behalf, and is there every time she is ill.

He has kissed, spanked, helped, taught, motivated, and most important of all loved her.

During this time I have learned that this relationship is not one sided.  They have both taught each other numerous things.  Adelia has taught him patience, compassion, tolerance, courage, and sometimes you can pick your family.  In return he has taught her that she isn't different, dads do love their kids, strength, and how to take life with a grain of salt.

I always think that he deserves so much more for this than I will ever be able to give him.  Even though I know he doesn't want anything from us.  I wish I could put onto paper what it feels like to wake up everyday with my best friend, and someone I admire, but I am not that talented.  I do know that I adore him for this and his daily effort to being a better man.  He is truly my better half, the missing link, and someone that our children can look up to.

He is DAD.















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<![CDATA[Imperfection is the New Perfection]]>Tue, 04 Mar 2014 22:07:25 GMThttp://shechoseus.weebly.com/blog/imperfection-is-the-new-perfection
One of the most amazing things is watching a baby learn how to do all the basics.  Sitting, crawling, walking talking.  Sometimes, the best part is when it comes up short of perfect.  

Having Adelia as a big sister has taught Jr., our youngest, to do things perfectly, in a less than perfect way. 

When he learned to sit he kept falling over, obviously on purpose, and laugh - hysterical.  We couldn't figure out why until we saw him and Adelia on the trampoline together.  She'd fall over, not on purpose, and he thought it was the funniest thing since stand up comedy.  A revelation - he could do it just right too and have a blast. 

Crawling? Fantastic. 

Adelia loved this phase.  She could do this all day with him, although stopping was a problem once she got going.  So, running into things was a bit of a situation, but not to her little brother.  He just knew she did this only for his entertainment.  Without a doubt he wanted in on this 3 Stooges fun!

Walking? A blast.

We were so excited for our fat little guy, so was his sister.  Adelia wears leg braces and her walking is less than perfect. At first she didn't use a walker, so she fell, a lot. And, walked like Frankenstein. 

So did Jr.  

We'd watch him mimic her for hours.  He'd take a few steps, force himself to fall and laugh until he couldn't breathe.  He'd jolt from side to side right behind Adelia.  She thought, "You're welcome Pooh (Jr.'s nickname) no one here can teach you this but me."

One of my favorite things ever is when Adelia got her walker.  She could run, walk on uneven ground, and get booking to do just about everything. For the first couple days the baby thought, what the hell?  He'd watch her, then get in trouble for trying to take the walker away from her, upset this new toy wasn't for him. One morning, my husband Che and I heard an awful noise - a combination nails on a chalkboard and a fog horn -  Jr. running full speed down the hall pushing a small plastic chair.  

He'd made his own walker. GENIUS! Happier than a fat kid with cake, and let me tell you he loves cake. When Adelia got home from school and saw this, her eyes twinkled. Looking pretty proud that she'd taught him the right way to do things in life. 
As you can imagine, Adelia hurts herself often, and gets in quite a bit of trouble for her hard headedness. I have ZERO clue where she comes by it.  One day, in our room, she was in the middle of one of Dad's famous hour-long lectures. The ones that make you cry because it never ends. She was in full on tears. From around the corner we heard screaming, and in two hot seconds Jr. barreled around the corner.  Fists held high, face red, on the attack.  

Dad was his target.  

Once in front of Dad, he yelled, punching his legs with everything he had.  Adelia looked shocked, what the hell Pooh, RUNNNNNNN! She stopped crying, and 11 month old Jr. walked away satisfied everything was fine. He still comes to her aid, and only hers. We allow it, we don't correct it, discipline him, or tell him no.  

We let him defend her.

Jr. is almost two.  He's learned a lot and is a happy and healthy baby.  As his parents we like to argue over who is his favorite - ME of course!  But, it's Adelia he adores. When we sneak into his bedroom, to do a quick check, it's Adelia he's laying with, laughing, playing. He waits impatiently for her to arrive home from school, and hugs her for no reason. 

Last, but not least, she's the only one in this entire house he'll rescue, and not with just a quick, "hey stop it." But with a "you're going to have to kill me first," attitude. 

He knows all her imperfections are perfections, and only the two of them can do it up right.
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<![CDATA[MADison With a Capitol MAD!]]>Thu, 27 Feb 2014 16:35:07 GMThttp://shechoseus.weebly.com/blog/madison-with-a-capitol-mad
My 2nd to oldest daughter is Madison.  She is the ultimate BIG sister.  Generally pretty normal behaviors for being the oldest girl living in the home, and as usual with that position on the family tree,  comes jealousy of the younger siblings.  Except in this house its for a different reason, and a little misconstrued.

Madison is an amazing child that tries so hard to be helpful to her younger sister, Adelia.  Sometimes its really out of a fairytale.  Then other times its out of the "Bitch don't steal vibe" chorus to a rap song.  Madison's jealousy of her younger sister, all though normal, it is based off of her sisters handicapped, completely not normal.  As parents we end up laughing, even though we shouldn't.  Madison feels Adelia is spoiled because of her disabilities. 

I remember when Adelia had to do horse back riding physical therapy, and Madison would say, "she is so lucky".  Wed look around and see all the disabled kids, most not able to eat on their own, and think "How in the hell did she come to that conclusion?".   Even though Madison was able to go to her grandfathers and ride as much as she'd like, that was not the point!

Adelia attends many appointments, Madison sees it as she gets to miss a lot of school. 

Adelia rides a short bus to school, Madison sees it as she doesn't have to walk to the bus stop. 

Adelia falls at least 20 times a day, and has to be consoled because it hurts (she literally just broke her pinky). Madi sees it as she is always babied. 

Adelia has minor chores in the house, but we make sure she has some part in helping the family out.  Even if its just putting a new trash bag in the can.  I need not express what Madison sees on this one!

As you can imagine Madisons' anger with her sister has grown more and more.  Started becoming a game Madison knew she could win. Verbal ugliness, and we all know how girls can be at Madisons age.  NOT FUN!

So one day I told Madison, I want you to nonchalantly watch your sister and do not let her know and you tell me what you see. She was DOWN for this.  I'm sure in her mind she thought oh yeah you're going to get it Adelia.  I told Madison she needed to pick up the dog mess in the back yard. Adelia came running  (to the best of her capabilities) around the corner, "MOM CAN I HELP HER".  My response is no baby, you have to go do your chores.  Adelia falls in the poop and becomes highly upset as you can imagine.  Next I asked Madison to empty the dishwasher, again Adelia came running around the corner, "MOM CAN I HELP HER".  No baby, the dishwasher door gets in your way and you could hurt yourself if you fall with the glass dishes.  disappointed shed tear up and go finish her room. After all her chores and homework were done Madison asked if she could go out front and play Basketball, and as usual Adelia came running around the corner with the same excitement and question.  This time I said of course you can. 

About 10 minutes went by, and I looked out the window.  The other kids on the block are tearing it up on the hoop.  Madison and Adelia were sitting on the curb.  I waited. I thought for sure Madison was going to bring her in and say she is in the way.  3 hours went by and there they sat.

Finally they came in and I asked Madison when Adelia went to take her braces off, what happened?  Madison said "she tried so hard to play, but kept falling, and I got tired of picking her up and telling her it was ok, and tired of yelling at the other kids to leave her alone."  In my head I thought, SCORE!!! As a parent you get very few opportunities with your teens to teach compassion.  So I was going to savor the crap outta this. 

Madison, after tucking Adelia in (that night Adelia was granted by Queen Madison permission to sleep in her stinky dirty, filthy, room)  she came and sat with me on the couch.  She said "mom, I feel bad for Toot", I said "why".  I thought HELL YA! woo, woo, go MOM.  I just knew she saw how much Adelia struggles to be like her, and how hard her day is always being told, "no you'll get hurt", "slow down", and not being able to run.  I just knew it!!

So as I turn and look at Madison to see her great epiphany, she says "her leg braces never match her clothes".  FAIL!!!! I thought to myself. 

Its been 4 weeks since this day has taken place.  All though the conversation of understanding may have been outfit deep.  What Madison absorbed that day, she never discussed.

All I know is they haven't slept without each other since.  I haven't helped Adelia with her homework, her STISTER as Adelia says will do it. We still have minor MOM moments, but nothing like it was. 

Madison is a God send even when she is having her teen moments.  She is beyond helpful to Che' and me.  The kids truly couldn't ask for a better older sister.  Its just unfortunate she is me, so even if she loves the crap outta you, shell never let you think it. 

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<![CDATA[Neck Spasm]]>Wed, 26 Feb 2014 17:50:36 GMThttp://shechoseus.weebly.com/blog/neck-spasmThe other day I woke up to a horrid pain in my neck.   At first I thought man I really must have slept wrong.  As usual when you are a mother your day must go on....CHARGE!!!!

That morning I stuck to my usual tasks. Woke Adelia up, got her ready for school, carried her to the bus with her walker (her walking is horrid when she first wakes up).  I continue with the house work, moving furniture, cleaning, laundry and dishes.  All the crap I hate to do, and requires 2 pots of coffee to continue. Then by the time i was finished I had cursed every person who lives there.  Then my Monster woke up.  I heave his fat butt outta bed, and boy he is on a war path.  Which is funny to watch because he has this enormous head.  Looks like a lollipop running down the hall. 

As the day progresses so does my neck pain.  Normally if I sleep wrong it fades through out the day. So what the hell?  HONK, HONK!  Adelia is home.  I go onto the bus and carry her down the stairs, with her walker, and into the house.  Now normally we get straight to homework.  But momma is lacking in the grocery department, so off to the store we go. 

Now for me a whopping 120 lbs.  Standing at a giant 5 feet and 3 inches, I lift Adelia into her car seat, which is when I have no idea why we have a Tahoe.  This vehicle is made for someone a little taller than myself. oh well,  off to the store we go. Now the trick when you park there is to get a cart over to the truck and unload the kids into it,  so they can annoy you through out the entire store. The excitement by now is killing me!  So I grab a cart, heave Adelia out of the car seat and into the cart.  Let me explain to you, that a child that wears leg braces and has almost no control over leg functioning, is like weaving metal into a basket.  So after I sweat for 10 minutes trying to weave her little legs and plastic braces into the cart, while holding her above my head, can you believe the left side of my face is now numb? Along with this stupid neck pain!!! What the hell is it?  My luck a clogged artery from my coffee and fried potato habits.  Totally worth it though! So we go into the store, low and behold Adelia needs to use the restroom.  Shoot me. Finally we get back home and I continue.

The next day we end up going camping.  While Che got some sleep I loaded all of the supplies by myself in the truck.  Then did the same loading and loading routine of children.  I thought to myself, sleeping on a air mattress totally going to help my neck, right? HA!

Let me tell you by the time we got home and unloaded, my entire left side was numb!  So off to the doctor we go. 

While in the exam room, which I hate, I see enough of these rooms to last me a fucking lifetime.  I am trying to think of what I do throughout the day, that would cause such a horrid pain.  I came up with nothing.  Either way the doctor comes in and starts asking questions. "Did you do any heavy lifting"? I reply "No". "Did you push or pull anything heavy"? again I say "No".  As he is asking me these questions I find myself terrified to answer.  If I answer with what my normal day consists of, he is going to tell me to stop.  I can not have him say that to me, I will go ape shit on his ass.  A mothers biggest fear is to be told she can  no longer take care of her children, especially when the heaviest one can not and may not ever be able to do it herself.  Besides its not like they will give other options.  So I lie my flat ass off, and inside I am crushed.  After the scan and all the mumbo jumbo.  It looks like I have a pinched nerve, a sever muscle spasm from muscle fatigue.  No worries though, the fix is pain pills. GREAT!!!! but I cant be asleep all freaking day.  On the way home I find myself useless and sad. I have to do these things throughout the day. Not doing them is NOT an option, who else will? I cry. Im supposed to be able to take care of her forever, now what use am I to her or any of them. Someone shoot me.

Finally we pull in the drive way, and the shots they gave me have me feeling pretty good.  I open the door, and the house looks like a BOMB went off.  I mean shit everywhere, wrappers, toys, kids passed out on the couch. With in seconds I forgot about my neck pain, Adelia, Madisons grades, Jrs dirty diaper, my self pity and was going to murder all of them! All I can say now is "Where the Fuck are my Pain pills"?



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